It was a bad pitch. On behalf of our nation I buried my face in my hands, hoping to magically erase the entire event. When I opened my eyes it was still there, on instant replay. Nothing had changed.
“He throws like a girl!” I heard a guy in the back of the bar exclaim. Then I realized that his statement was an insult to every female softball player in America. Someday in the near future, girls on baseball fields will be yelling insults at each other like, “Come on Nancy, you throw like an Obama!”
Our current Pitcher in Chief has a unique style that involves a catapult-like, off balance wind up, followed by a high arching arm extension. The throw is finished off with a jelly wrist flick. If successful, the baseball ends up within three or four feet of the catcher.
Our Presidents first ceremonial pitch during the 2009 All-Star game fell three feet short of the plate. His second pitch, thrown prior to the Washington Nationals 2010 home opener, landed four feet wide. Each time he has left the field smiling and waving to the crowd as if he has just won the World Series. The sounds from the crowd have been a loud mixture of cheers and jeers. Borat would be proud.
Our Presidents were never meant to be baseball players, and most of our baseball players were never meant to be Presidents. As I sat there at the sports bar watching the weirdness unfold, I thought of a question that a fellow blue collar friend of mine once asked with the spirit of George Carlin in mind. “You know, instead of having these guys throw out first pitches, why don’t we have them take the first snaps in NFL Games? That would weed the weak ones out.”
Although the practice may seem a little too Roman Gladiator-like, the entertainment value, and potential respect that our President could receive from the world community would be enormous. Taking a snap in a real life NFL Game, then completing a pass, is an athletic task worthy of respect in any culture.
A politician that could step into the role of NFL Quarterback, even for one play, and perform effectively, would never have his or her toughness questioned. After persevering through such an arduous task, the President could then issue the most liberal bleeding heart proclamation imaginable. He could even create a new healthcare system possessing the efficiency of the DMV and the compassion of the IRS.
At this point, not even the most conservative bloated master of oral verbiage to ever operate a microphone from the safety of a radio station would be able to mock the President’s policies.
Much of the world still operates on the code of the caveman. Fortunately for those of us living in the modern world, most of the caves in Afghanistan don’t receive cable. If they did, some of these cave-dwelling warriors may have obtained the idea that our current ruler is missing the plural form of the word in their language that means rock. In Afghanistan, rock throwing for distance is a fairly common contest among rival tribesmen. They may be unfamiliar with baseball, but the basic idea is the same.
Our current President is much better at basketball than baseball. His shots from three point land as produced on the CBS pre-game special for the Final Four Championship were not bad. The Commander in Chief that preceded him was a much better baseball thrower. Although hated toward the end of his reign, George Bush Jr. once threw a pitch over the plate in a pressure situation at Yankee Stadium in front of a capacity crowd. For a few moments he held the love of a nation.
We never saw him shoot hoops. However, the one thing each of these Presidents has been able to achieve on their day job is this: Sub-par mediocrity on a pathetic level that we haven’t seen since that thing happened with the cigar in the theater with the blue dress and the eager intern. However, the Commander in Chief involved in that tale of political glory was into other types of sports. We never saw Bill Clinton shoot hoops or throw baseballs. One time he jogged. Then he changed his routine and went into amateur competitive eating for about seven and one half years.
So, there I was at the bar. I realized that our relief pitcher had run out of gas, and that maybe he never had any in the tank to begin with. No problem. Let me be clear. I could see that our bullpen was empty and that it was up to me to take control of the situation. I rose from my bar stool and demanded a new pitcher. The bar maid brought me a bottle of cheap brew instead.
About the author
Mike Monpas wrote 9 articles on this blog.
Mike Monpas grew up with the desire to write, Studying journalism at Sacramento City College
was an obvious direction after writing for one of Novato California's local papers. However, like much of life
we seldom arrive at our goals directly. Mike found himself in Gereshk, the Helmand Province of Afghanistan with the Marines
as a radio operator among other things. Fortunately, he made it home safe and is now happily married
and living in Reno Nevada. Finally, back doing what he enjoys: writing and trying
to make a difference. This lifelong conservative tells it like it is.
Political Baseball: The Search for a Reliever
“He throws like a girl!” I heard a guy in the back of the bar exclaim. Then I realized that his statement was an insult to every female softball player in America. Someday in the near future, girls on baseball fields will be yelling insults at each other like, “Come on Nancy, you throw like an Obama!”
Our current Pitcher in Chief has a unique style that involves a catapult-like, off balance wind up, followed by a high arching arm extension. The throw is finished off with a jelly wrist flick. If successful, the baseball ends up within three or four feet of the catcher.
Our Presidents first ceremonial pitch during the 2009 All-Star game fell three feet short of the plate. His second pitch, thrown prior to the Washington Nationals 2010 home opener, landed four feet wide. Each time he has left the field smiling and waving to the crowd as if he has just won the World Series. The sounds from the crowd have been a loud mixture of cheers and jeers. Borat would be proud.
Our Presidents were never meant to be baseball players, and most of our baseball players were never meant to be Presidents. As I sat there at the sports bar watching the weirdness unfold, I thought of a question that a fellow blue collar friend of mine once asked with the spirit of George Carlin in mind. “You know, instead of having these guys throw out first pitches, why don’t we have them take the first snaps in NFL Games? That would weed the weak ones out.”
Although the practice may seem a little too Roman Gladiator-like, the entertainment value, and potential respect that our President could receive from the world community would be enormous. Taking a snap in a real life NFL Game, then completing a pass, is an athletic task worthy of respect in any culture.
A politician that could step into the role of NFL Quarterback, even for one play, and perform effectively, would never have his or her toughness questioned. After persevering through such an arduous task, the President could then issue the most liberal bleeding heart proclamation imaginable. He could even create a new healthcare system possessing the efficiency of the DMV and the compassion of the IRS.
At this point, not even the most conservative bloated master of oral verbiage to ever operate a microphone from the safety of a radio station would be able to mock the President’s policies.
Much of the world still operates on the code of the caveman. Fortunately for those of us living in the modern world, most of the caves in Afghanistan don’t receive cable. If they did, some of these cave-dwelling warriors may have obtained the idea that our current ruler is missing the plural form of the word in their language that means rock. In Afghanistan, rock throwing for distance is a fairly common contest among rival tribesmen. They may be unfamiliar with baseball, but the basic idea is the same.
Our current President is much better at basketball than baseball. His shots from three point land as produced on the CBS pre-game special for the Final Four
Championship were not bad. The Commander in Chief that preceded him was a much better baseball thrower. Although hated toward the end of his reign, George Bush Jr. once threw a pitch over the plate in a pressure situation at Yankee Stadium in front of a capacity crowd. For a few moments he held the love of a nation.
We never saw him shoot hoops. However, the one thing each of these Presidents has been able to achieve on their day job is this: Sub-par mediocrity on a pathetic level that we haven’t seen since that thing happened with the cigar in the theater with the blue dress and the eager intern. However, the Commander in Chief involved in that tale of political glory was into other types of sports. We never saw Bill Clinton shoot hoops or throw baseballs. One time he jogged. Then he changed his routine and went into amateur competitive eating for about seven and one half years.
So, there I was at the bar. I realized that our relief pitcher had run out of gas, and that maybe he never had any in the tank to begin with. No problem. Let me be clear. I could see that our bullpen was empty and that it was up to me to take control of the situation. I rose from my bar stool and demanded a new pitcher. The bar maid brought me a bottle of cheap brew instead.
About the author
Mike Monpas wrote 9 articles on this blog.
Mike Monpas grew up with the desire to write, Studying journalism at Sacramento City College was an obvious direction after writing for one of Novato California's local papers. However, like much of life we seldom arrive at our goals directly. Mike found himself in Gereshk, the Helmand Province of Afghanistan with the Marines as a radio operator among other things. Fortunately, he made it home safe and is now happily married and living in Reno Nevada. Finally, back doing what he enjoys: writing and trying to make a difference. This lifelong conservative tells it like it is.
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